HEADACHE...among other things.

Gosh golly gee and goody gum drops! Had a friend and her family pop by yesterday from the Gold Coast so that I could take em around Melbourne Uni and Trinity and Lygon St and Smith St and Brunswick St, then finally to a steak house on Johnston/son Street, very tasty, and very much needed seeing as I gave blood the day previous to yesterday, and was obviously in need of some meat and iron boost, yummy *big grin*. Hope she gets what she applied for in VTAC, and wish her all the best.

So as you may have guessed, I seem to have a headache, and I don't know which medicine to take because I don't know the cause of this headache, which will continue until it resolves itself, or I start to find myself experiencing symptoms that would help me find out what on earth it is. That said, I have come to several hypotheses which include optic stuff (cos everytime I start reading a book I get headache), muscular stuff (cos everytime I lie down and relax it gets better). I have ruled OUT bacteria or virus, since my pulse and countenance are all fine and I don't feel feverish, nor do I have a runny nose and a bit of a cough, so the cold (rhinovirus) is out as well. Hmmmm, fee fi fo fum, I smell the stench of either post blood giving symptoms (though I'm not sure what they are), or something to do with the food i've been having lately (though there's an even lower chance of that going on than anything else). So what the heck, I'll just sleep it off and see how I feel in the morning, if it doesn't get any better, I guess I'l have to make a few calls overseas and see what the diagnosis is.

So....what to talk about....guess this week's been relatively #$^&#$%^*, I mean, it's not like I got a lot done, and nor is it that I didn't do anything, guess it's just another one of those days where i'm stuck in the plains again....*sigh*. Though not too long ago, I was watching something that I felt would definitely move my heart somehow, but found that it didn't. After some thinking and meta-thinking, I find that to be kind of...well...sad. That said, I like, SO developed a crush on this girl at this cafe I was at while waiting for the real estate agent lady to come, likewise for another girl that I saw somewhere sometime this week, though I can't remember this one all too well...think it was during...ah yes. I saw this girl who looked VERY VERY much a lot like a girl who was very special to me *ask if you don't know* during a little visit to a suburb out in the middle of nowhere. OMG, my heart did pound, but of course, my mind regained control over my body and my spirit settled down after I came to the conclusion that I was once again being shallow and thinking of things that I ought not to be thinking of.

Ahhh...that wonderful little feeling called a crush...I will honestly say that I had not felt that for years, and was quite rejoiced by the fact that I did this week. Afterall, these kind of things will eventually lead me back to the light that I have sought after, and during that time, I have read and heard many beautiful words that I would like to someday myself be able to give to another. *sigh*..."It's the sweet trap of thought, to be stuck with a problem I cannot answer, I want to remain drunk in this state forever!" No idea why anyone would want to stay "drunk in this state", but I feel that it's appropriate to say that I am actually feeling quite free now, and can't say I've ever felt more carefree about...anything. Unfortunately, the impending tidal wave of study and assignments will be coming very shortly, and I shall have to divert my oh-so-ever busy mental faculties to the menial and laborious task of remembering and understanding biomedical...things.

Also heard today that, "Four years of high school, four years of college, four years of med school. By the time we graduate we're in our late 20s and we've never done anything except go to school and think about science. Time stops. We're socially retarded". Speaking of retarded, look at this!
Though not everyone's someone in the medical field, I'm wondering to how many people this will actually apply, and how much of this will actually become true for some of us. Do our dreams and hopes of what and where we want to be when we're all grown up affect our social lives that much? What percentage of the population does this affect? And are we, as a society, better or worse off for it, despite all the good that we can and will accomplish individually for the rest of society? We may advance in our science, and in our arts, and in our building and money-making skills, but do we regress a little every time we gain a bit more knowledge academically? Are we, the hard-working and give-up-lots-of-things students, trading away our sociality for someone or something else's sake? Bit of a rhetorical question there, but a good one to think about nonetheless, though it would be foolhardy to think that it doesn't at all, since everything in the universe is interconnected through some weird law of quantum physics which I seriously don't wanna know about...*bleh*

I mention this because I, and many others out there in this "SICK SAD WORLD" *Daria, whoo!*, may find ourselves unable to be the people that we want to be because of what we do, and what we hope to do. Some of us may find that in order to be the person that we want to be, that we must sometimes give up our dreams and hopes. That sometimes, in order for us to be happy, no matter how briefly, we may break our own moral and ethical code to get what we want, regardless of the consequences. It is at this stage, to know whether or not you are one of these kind of people, that I give you the MACH-IV test. *sorry, can't link this right now, will try to do so sometime later*

http://www.salon.com/books/it/1999/09/13/machtest/

This is a simple test that I have found useful during the...earlier years, to check and record my level of darkness with a sense of quantification. It will basically tell you whether or not you subscribe by Niccolò Machiavelli's philosophies of disregarding morality and ethics, and by how much. Hehe, nothing too scary though.

For instance, would someone, for the sake of their own happiness and well-being, destroy someone else's happiness and well-being, even though it is/was completely unintentional, and in fact, they feel REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about it? Is their sense of self-preservation and psychosocial health any greater than that of the other person? How can anyone ever compare one person's desire for happiness and well-being to another's? And yet, we find that this happens pretty much daily, and we find more and more that we can do very little about it, other than pray that we are not on the receiving side of this action.

So finally, we come to face to face with the two issues that I have thought about this week *apart from the hot girl/s I had a crush on, WHOO!*. Whether or not it's cool that we are now currently swapping out social intelligence with academic intelligence, how some people can develop both at the same time, including ways that we can destroy those people ;) *just kidding, hehe* and also, the justification, whether there is any or not, with putting someone else through pain and misery just so you could rise up through yours, no matter how unintentional or unexpected, and also whether or not there is a right or wrong with this issue. I shall therefore leave this here for you to think about, and leave you with this quote

"Even in the common affairs of life, in love, friendship, and marriage, how little security have we when we trust our happiness in the hands of others!" - Paul Aubuchon

Me, myself and I

So, it seems that I'm receiving pressure from good friends of mine to blog a bit more often so that my boomshine and take-away box collection doesn't look too redundant, so I guess I'll share this.

This Tuesday, I found myself disappointed in my powerlessness to find someone whom i can maintain a steady and meaningful relationship with, a feeling which came after the emptiness i felt which actually came after the years of hate and anger that I let go of this year.

For those of you who were there, last friday night was absolutely amazing, and once again, i found myself still retaining some measure of power when it comes to girls, and for that i am grateful. Yet, despite all this "canoodling", I am still situated in a deep dark place where no amount of light seems to be able to penetrate. i have changed my ways of thinking already, trning away from the path that I've taken for so long and felt so comfortable wiht, but i still ca't get any sunshine into my inner world. I am holding on to a candle of hope an dfaith in the winds of vicissitudinous pandemonium, and one day hope to break apart the dark clouds in the sky and clear it all away for clarion day.

That's all well and good, and i truly have hope, faith and beliefe that it will happen, however, what I do seem to be lacking a lot of lately, now more than ever, is patience. though it is true that I/we are still quite young, my academic and spiritual curiosity into serious relationships is seemingly reaching its peak, making me agitative, fidgety and...antsy in the presence of possible victims/girls. I am still able to fight off such primal instincts, since I've already been through all those fleeting experiences of getting with a girl at a party or what not. What I can't fight off now is the hope that the next girl i meet and be interested in will be the one who i can have a serious relationship with, as I feel an emptiness in that area which doesn't seem to be satisfiable with pickups. Of course, for those "fleeting experiences" to have existed in the first place, there must have been some sort of connection there to begin with, otherwise nothing would've happened, so I guess I should probably do some following through on those, despite my belief that those types aren't usually the sort that would work out very well.

A good friend of mine described to me earlier this week that, being in a similar situation, what we are looking for is someone who is so utterly irresistible that we would have absolutely NO choiec of not doing anything, that we would, by the power of super attraction, be actively fored to do our very best in order to make something happen. This is probably as close to the truth as she could get me to, as I found this really striking to the core of my being, seeing as it's been a while since I felt that feeling. In retrospect, it was probably that feeling and the events associated with it thereafter that made me into the person I am today, and should, in all respects, have no negative feelings towards it despite all the trouble it's caused me.

Suffice to say, it's not as if I've had really meaningless and pointless relationships so far. The first few after the "incident" were only screwed up because of my conflicting feelings at the time (those of you who know me well should know what this means), though they did build up my knowledge and experience of what girls think and do. The most recent few, I have found, broadened my own base of variance among the races, which I have also learn a lot from, which i'm again grateful for. So...after all this, is it not time for me to experience what it's really like to "look longingly in each other's eyes and have a million conversations without a single spoken word"? Cos, really, that kinda stuff sounds pretty sweet, and much more meaningful and touching than any pick up could ever feel, and probably more memorable too, hehe. Gosh golly gee, what I would do to find that girl.

Haha, that's right, my friend said that "You'll find the perfect girl someday", to which i said "I do not want the perfect girl; I want the girl for whom she and I would be perfect for each other.", something I also truly believe in, for such things must obviously be mutual otherwise it'd be meaningless. Then again, the agony of patience and hope one must go through in order to find that girl must be horrible enough to put them right off the idea of such a thing as "perfect girl", whereupon they'd just go back to the ideology of "Why look for Mrs Right, when there are so many Mrs Wrongs?", hahaha. Still, I guess one must have the strength of mind and character in order to gain the bigger prize.

So yeah.......that's about it for me! Should go back to my room and have some dinner, i'm freakin' starving, and I could sure do with a blast of happy dust.

Night all.

Until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words, -- 'Wait and hope' - Alexandre Dumas (The Count of Monte Cristo)

Never ever enough

Come on guys, I know I don't put up that many posts, but I've said before, and I'll say it again, that I can only write things when i'm in the right mood, namely when I am actually having feelings, otherwise i'd just have to make up things on the spot, and from you've probably seen, they're kinda boring. so GET OFF MY BACK! MUAHAHAHA!

WHOO! Last day! Kinda sad that I'm sitting here and blogging about it, instead of actually going out there and doing something about it, but what da heck, "Time's an illusion; and lunch time is doubly so", even though it's not lunch, you know what I mean.



So...wattup. Guess it's been kinda of an intersting week. Instead of spreading out our going out for the entire week, we managed to shove it all into ONE day on Monday, go us, what a feat. Would've been better if there was a good dessert place nearby afterwards, like Trampoline, but alas, it was not meant to be. Been spending SO much time with these peope of mine, and I'm glad for it, seeing as we may not be able to spend this kind of quality time together next year, what with clinics and all. Kinda sad really, for we lose a lot of things that we would otherwise have spent time doing, such as practising our swing so that it feels natural and flowing to us, such as spending time at a coffee shop talking about the most trivial of issues and still have a good time. Sure glad I got to experience this kinda stuff, since I never had much of it during high school, and it should more than make up for any lack of contact we will experience for the next two years.

OMG, there might not even BE clinics for us next year, WHAT A JOKE! Screwed up democracy is gonna once again crap on those who put in the hard yards to get what they deserve, only to have it taken away by the government so that they could spend it on other cock-ups who they should be paying for anyway.

Speaking of physio...there is yet another joke. Bloody lecturers and their "lack of evidence" lectures, JOKE! Just because something doesn't have enough or any evidence that it works doesn't mean that it doesn't work! (hey, 3 "doesn't"s in the same sentence). That's how we find out whether or not things work in the first place, by EMPIRICAL knowledge, that of your own and other's experience. It's not like they've been doing these kind of studies since the beginning of western medicine and therapy hundreds of years ago, nor did they ever need studies throughout the thousands of years of Chinese Medicine. Both systems, at the most basic level, simply piled up all the empirical knowledge that they found to effective and useful for whatever condition. Numbers that researchers randomly pull out of a study have no real meaning, as the numbers won't be the ones treating your condition. For most things, there's a placebo effect anyway, and it itself is as good a treatment for any condition, as are real and "proven" effective treatments. There should be no need to have to prove that anything works and how, rather, they should focus on the results to find out what truly does work or not, despite the mechanism. Treatment techniques and modalities are but tiny pistols we add to our arsenal of knowledge against pathology, and every weapon counts when you're in a fight, especially when you're losing.

ARGH, WHAT IS THIS!? Ahhh...revelation

What on earth? Did I not trample what little emotion of any kind that I had left in me? I'm sure I did, so why on earth am i still feeling!? And what on earth is this feeling? DARN IT ALL! I refuse to give in to such travesties that lead me astray from the true path, how is this at all possible!? ARGH!!! Such things are for the weak and useless, and I certainly have no use for them...WHY? Why can't it just leave me be and let me get on with my beautiful chaos admiring life? Is there something wrong with THIS path now? It simply cannot be...I must get to the bottom of this, and if I find whatever it is that is causing such events, I will certainly sever all the soft tissue structures parallel to its spinal cord, and in one swift movement, rip it all out along with the head and place it on my shelf as a trophy. Hmph, I'm through doing those shitty deep and meaningfuls, seeing as I proved life and everything else to be relatively meaningless and pointless.

Again, I have been in the Sahara plains for like weeks now, and either a valley of sorrow and anger come to meet me, or some mountain of joy and happiness, for I need stimulus!!! What is REALLY the point of life when you are receiving no reason to treasure it at all? What's the point of trying to sail across this sea of existence when there is no wind to move you along? *sigh* I guess royalty doesn't really mean much in this type of world anymore, otherwise I'd be in materialistic and capitalistic heaven. Should I be angry at myself for letting such feelings get through my famous shield, armour and sword? Or is this some new foe come to bring me my doom? In either case, I guess I will have to rise up to the challenge once again, and like I said, separate its head, spinal cord and body to the point where such ideas would be considered absolutely outrageous and blasphemous.

Well, it seems that I still have the ability to articulate my words well enough, so I guess that's something to be relatively proud of, but it may simply be temporary to the point where I find out what's wrong with me, and then fall back to my usual and non-understandable self. *YAWN* So yeah...guess things have been happening with my friends lately, and I'm happy to say that so far so good, nothing off the scale has happened yet, but that probably means that the scale has just got to be adjusted, hehehe. Funny how things turn out, like food! You could be holding a dish of gourmet foodstuffs, and the minute you put it into the sink, it becomes garbage! So, are people's fate and destinies like the clouds, trapped in an ever-changing, but uncontrollable sky of life? Or is it to be like the birds, who flutter and flap wherever they please?

As I have said before, we are probably way too short-sighted to ever see the truth to all things, unless ou work some techniques like me and let yourself go. It's probably like how a single thread in a giant carpet won't ever know about the beautiful patterns it makes. Likewise can be said for the experiences that people go through, we won't ever know any actions and repercussions past the acutely present, so I guess we shouldn't ever have any regrets. So basically, we should cherish things as they are when they are, and not as you want them to be, so something like telling the people you love and care about how you feel about them everyday, so that there won't ever be a possibility that they won't know. Something like treasuring the memories of experiences both good and bad, so that you could look at them one day and revel in the parts it played to make you who you are. Something like realising that although you may feel like absolute crap right now, you do in fact have power over yourself and that you can, right there and then, do something about it to bring you out of your funk. Something like gaining the iron-hand discipline over mind, body and heart to be able to draw out the strength you need to fight and to protect.

Wow...just realised I don't ever talk much about myself in these blogs other than that which is worldly and applicable to everyone, it seems I don't ever share anything that personal. Well...I guess you could say that I DO in fact have feelings, and therefore, can be hurt as bad as any other true human can be. However, it would be folly to say that I do not make use of these feelings and the feelings of others to further my own goals and purposes, be they honourable or immoral. I heard once that "Friends are for betraying", which is true to some extent, because the only people you could ever TRULY betray all trust and feelings for would be friends. But to say that friends exist for the purpose of betraying's kinda harsh. I mean, sure, there may be one or two people I leave behind every now and then, but I am a person who advocates tough love, and I'm sure they understand. Besides, I usually make it up for them in more ways than one, with food and physical rewards such as massage, so again, if this has not been fulfilled, and you feel jipped, feel free to hold this to me and I will make sure to honour it.

*sigh* It's been so long since I've had any feelings of "like" and "crush" and etc for anyone, perhaps I did too great of a job when I converted myself. I cannot say that I have felt anything of the like in the last 1 and a half years, though the distant cousins of such emotions have always come and gone, such as hate, rage and anger. They're just so much easier to deal with, they're blatantly obvious and subtely apparent within my life as either previous feelings, or something new that's angering me. But yeah, liking someone has not been happening of late, and I sure as hell hope that something like this is not permanent. Sure I've been hurt pretty badly in the past and I should stick away from such feelings that could ever hurt me again, but I've been there and done that enough to see that the risk is certainly worth taking.

Only question left now is how? I already know so many people, and yet, it's as if I've gone down the same shopping aisle again and again and again. Not only that, but I'm going through DIFFERENT aisles as well, but all within the same supermarket, and still not finding anything greater than bronze and silver. I would like GOLD and PLATINUM, oh the joys of such a find. Though I may not be really good at it, I certainly picture and aim myself to be a romantic kinda guy, since i'm one of the few males left in the world who still believe in chivalry. Wherever did those long poems of love and longing go? and WHY oh WHY are they considered so weird nowadays when a guy so sweetly sends a girl of his dreams something of his own creation, and why should he be mocked for it? GOOD ON YOU! You are the heroes and inspirations in today's society! If your feelings are true, and intentions clear, then fear not how many girls or boys reject you, for such courage and bravery wouldn't ever go unrewarded. I praise your efforts, and wish you the best of luck, as I too struggle to bring back the concept of gentlemanship (or whatever the word is) to protect what little innocence there is left in courtship and bonding.

Hmmm....maybe the hunger is making me emotional right now...should consider going to bed and forgetting bout all this silly business. Speaking of business, I had the great pleasure of going to an awesome swing club tonight and watch all these other awesome swingers do their stuff, some of which I will be adding to my own repetoire, hehe. Though I must say, we are much too inadequate, and seriously require more lessons and free time to experiment. What a pity though....next year will require so much effort to maintain our current level of skill and experience. HOPE, FAITH and LOYALTY ! and the power of God shall help you carry out the rest of your days! May His omni-presence in the hyper-now and meta-moment bask us with His burning beams of glory and love, and lead us away from temptation and towards salvation. Hallowed is God! Hallowed are the Children of God!

Ahhh....SO tired, got a free day tomorrow, whoo! Then med ball, muahahaha, hope this year's haul proves as rich as last years, hehehe. So goodnight everybody! Hope nothing bad happens to you for another 30 days! And I leave you with this.

"It is important to do what you don't know how to do. It is important to see your skills as keeping you from learning what is deepest and most mysterious. If you know how to focus, unfocus. If your tendency is to make sense out of chaos, start chaos." - Carlos Castaneda

Response one and two to Sciurine

OMG, I can't do it!!! SORRY, but i just can't write anything right now, damn it!!! I am definitely not in the right mood, and unless something drastic happens in the next minute or two, I will, without a question, go back to my room and watch tv shows........................................................................nothing.................................................................nothing.........................................................nothing. Well, I guess I can bitch about stuff....how about....girls!? Beautiful, since girls always bitch about guys, it's time to turn the tables and have us guys start bitching about girls! and even then, girls bitch about girls, so the whole world's happy! yay!! whoohoo!!!

Uhhh....what to say. Girls can be silly, hard to read, misinterpreted, confused, they have an emotional range wider than the amazon river compared to a guy's teaspoon.

you know what? this sucks, i'm leaving, I can't talk about stuff that i don't wanna talk about, nor can i discuss anything that i don't wanna discuss...so bye!

Building up a tab?

Sheeeeeeeeeeesh, seems I'm running a tab on what I owe people these days on this blog...should it not be something that i can leisurely write a few words here and there WHENEVER i want to? Human rights activists say yes, and good friends say no...hmmm, kinda weird if you think about this. Hehehehe

Any poop, guess i better get started, but what to choose....? Power? Response 1 to sciurine? response 2? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, hate to make decisions la! don't wanna choose randomly select something to write about la, why can't I just go back to bed? *sigh*

Ah yeah, BTW, to all you GOOD FRIENDS of mine, i hope you realise that I cannot effectively blog when I am NOT under some sort of emotional extreme, so right now is probably not the best time, but i guess i should do my best.

Big smile, and may the Lord be with you.

Nelson

Oooh, you nasty brute! HERE is my optimism!!!

Come on now guys, what did I already tell you before I gave you the address for this blog? I told you that this was gonna be a blog filled with the greatest and happiest things that I can come up with, and i'll be DAMNED if u're gonna tell me that that was in the least bit dark, if not upsetting. I've already told you where i'm gonna put my darker thoughts and ideals, and if you haven't already checked, you should probably check it now and see if you've read my latest, albeit a few weeks ago, update.

I was simply shedding light on an issue that I tend to hold dear to my heart, that on my own current state of morals and enlightenment when it comes to the issues of the world, and of course, I wouldn't ever hold THIS view above any other revelations that I have made over the last few years. I was simply realising that my own views and beliefs on the nature of the world and everything in it have changed since I saw through a certain issue of mine (you know what i'm taking about, hehe). Afterall, this is but a big warehouse of knowledge that I constantly take a browse through, and I was very surprised *as some of you may be ;) *, about the direction in which my train of thought was travelling.

Seeing as my beliefs are pretty much centralised around adaptive flexibility, I'm VERY sure some of you have found that I more than capable of applying that in my approach to people. Whenever necessary, I would mercilessly show others my dark side so that they may learn and benefit from it, in order for them to gain a sense of strength and courage of wellbeing (you DEFINITELY know who i'm talking about ,if u're reading this right now, MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *takes a bow*). Whenever necessary, I would also selflessly give my....*whatever it is/love*, so that he or she can go on living knowing that there'll always be somewhere there to listen and help.

Now I know that each and every one of you out there also believe and practise this *whatever it is/love*, since it usually gives us a general sense of humility and sympathy and still proves that there's some part of you that's human (though there's ONE person out there who thinks otherwise, and i WILL talk to you about that later, grrr). However, after a few years of compiling some statistical data from polls, I find that a large bunch of you seem a bit hesitant when it comes to showing off your "dark side". Why that is, I have no idea, but I do seem to recall telling myself that it's a part of the mask we wear in front of the friends we cherish, so that they don't EVER have to see our darker and uglier side. Those of you who know of my personal "Levels of Friendship", I would just like to tell you that ALL of my Level 4 friends have seen and accepted this dark side of me, and in turn allowing me to understand and know them in a much greater amount of depth and breadth than I could ever have dreamed of.
***Disambiguation: If you have read this and wonder which level you're on, please note that such a scale is of little significance to you, as it is my own personal SUBJECTIVE system, which is of course objectively meaningless, but call me if you still wanna know, hehehe***

And it is on this blog entry that I would like to thank them for all they have done, and all that they will do in the future to make my life meaningful and euphorically memorable. I would also like them to know that I will be doing all in my power to honour and preserve such friendship, that we may reach new heights together and share that passion with everyone else we know, be they relatives, friends, acquaintances, peers, even pets! I can only hope that the time we have spent together was as a positive experience for me, as it was for you (if not, then i reckon you get a free punch in the gut, and a free cup of coffee, how's zat!? Hold this to me if you feel compelled to do so, for I will honour it).

So yeah! There is no sea of melancholy! There is but a still lake of tranquility and contentedness in the world that is amidst all these holy wars, and fighting, and sexual crimes, and big business scandals, and academic pressure, and separation of church and state and fake UFO sightings.....a world where the only other man that a man can love is Jesus, a world where they are still debating whether accupuncture works or not, a world where fuel, banana and ink cartridge prices sky-rocket, a world where a father can't take her daughter to the park without being ONCE suspected as a pedophile, a world where more divorces occur than marriages, a world of unecessary compassion to those who are no longer valued by society or useful to it, a world where a criminal can fall through one's roof and be SUED by the same criminal for injury, a world where cynicism and scrunity (such as in academia) is valued above faith and honour...THE LIST GOES ON!!!

Yes, it sure is a wonderful world, I'm glad that instead of drowning in a sea of melancholy, I am happily and ignorantly floating by in my lake of tranquility. I sure am glad that instead of seeing the waves of conflict crash against the shore, I am watching the tiniest ripples of fate bob up and down by. I'm happy that instead of hearing all the rumbling and tumbling of the cold merciless sea, I am listening to the soft chirps of the crickets and sparrows of the luscious meadows. Yes, it sure is a wonderful world.

So yeah....uhhh....not sure what to say now....kinda awkward....I guess I took the first step....it's your call now....hope you make the right decision.

Hmmm...that certainly sounded nice, now if I could JUST find a cheesy enough movie script to shove that into...imagine all the money I would get for that! WHOOHOO!!! ....bye!

***(oh, btw, anyone else find these high and lows of mine very much like bipolar disorder? i'm scared!!! ARGH!!! No i'm not....ahhhhh)***