ARGH, WHAT IS THIS!? Ahhh...revelation

What on earth? Did I not trample what little emotion of any kind that I had left in me? I'm sure I did, so why on earth am i still feeling!? And what on earth is this feeling? DARN IT ALL! I refuse to give in to such travesties that lead me astray from the true path, how is this at all possible!? ARGH!!! Such things are for the weak and useless, and I certainly have no use for them...WHY? Why can't it just leave me be and let me get on with my beautiful chaos admiring life? Is there something wrong with THIS path now? It simply cannot be...I must get to the bottom of this, and if I find whatever it is that is causing such events, I will certainly sever all the soft tissue structures parallel to its spinal cord, and in one swift movement, rip it all out along with the head and place it on my shelf as a trophy. Hmph, I'm through doing those shitty deep and meaningfuls, seeing as I proved life and everything else to be relatively meaningless and pointless.

Again, I have been in the Sahara plains for like weeks now, and either a valley of sorrow and anger come to meet me, or some mountain of joy and happiness, for I need stimulus!!! What is REALLY the point of life when you are receiving no reason to treasure it at all? What's the point of trying to sail across this sea of existence when there is no wind to move you along? *sigh* I guess royalty doesn't really mean much in this type of world anymore, otherwise I'd be in materialistic and capitalistic heaven. Should I be angry at myself for letting such feelings get through my famous shield, armour and sword? Or is this some new foe come to bring me my doom? In either case, I guess I will have to rise up to the challenge once again, and like I said, separate its head, spinal cord and body to the point where such ideas would be considered absolutely outrageous and blasphemous.

Well, it seems that I still have the ability to articulate my words well enough, so I guess that's something to be relatively proud of, but it may simply be temporary to the point where I find out what's wrong with me, and then fall back to my usual and non-understandable self. *YAWN* So yeah...guess things have been happening with my friends lately, and I'm happy to say that so far so good, nothing off the scale has happened yet, but that probably means that the scale has just got to be adjusted, hehehe. Funny how things turn out, like food! You could be holding a dish of gourmet foodstuffs, and the minute you put it into the sink, it becomes garbage! So, are people's fate and destinies like the clouds, trapped in an ever-changing, but uncontrollable sky of life? Or is it to be like the birds, who flutter and flap wherever they please?

As I have said before, we are probably way too short-sighted to ever see the truth to all things, unless ou work some techniques like me and let yourself go. It's probably like how a single thread in a giant carpet won't ever know about the beautiful patterns it makes. Likewise can be said for the experiences that people go through, we won't ever know any actions and repercussions past the acutely present, so I guess we shouldn't ever have any regrets. So basically, we should cherish things as they are when they are, and not as you want them to be, so something like telling the people you love and care about how you feel about them everyday, so that there won't ever be a possibility that they won't know. Something like treasuring the memories of experiences both good and bad, so that you could look at them one day and revel in the parts it played to make you who you are. Something like realising that although you may feel like absolute crap right now, you do in fact have power over yourself and that you can, right there and then, do something about it to bring you out of your funk. Something like gaining the iron-hand discipline over mind, body and heart to be able to draw out the strength you need to fight and to protect.

Wow...just realised I don't ever talk much about myself in these blogs other than that which is worldly and applicable to everyone, it seems I don't ever share anything that personal. Well...I guess you could say that I DO in fact have feelings, and therefore, can be hurt as bad as any other true human can be. However, it would be folly to say that I do not make use of these feelings and the feelings of others to further my own goals and purposes, be they honourable or immoral. I heard once that "Friends are for betraying", which is true to some extent, because the only people you could ever TRULY betray all trust and feelings for would be friends. But to say that friends exist for the purpose of betraying's kinda harsh. I mean, sure, there may be one or two people I leave behind every now and then, but I am a person who advocates tough love, and I'm sure they understand. Besides, I usually make it up for them in more ways than one, with food and physical rewards such as massage, so again, if this has not been fulfilled, and you feel jipped, feel free to hold this to me and I will make sure to honour it.

*sigh* It's been so long since I've had any feelings of "like" and "crush" and etc for anyone, perhaps I did too great of a job when I converted myself. I cannot say that I have felt anything of the like in the last 1 and a half years, though the distant cousins of such emotions have always come and gone, such as hate, rage and anger. They're just so much easier to deal with, they're blatantly obvious and subtely apparent within my life as either previous feelings, or something new that's angering me. But yeah, liking someone has not been happening of late, and I sure as hell hope that something like this is not permanent. Sure I've been hurt pretty badly in the past and I should stick away from such feelings that could ever hurt me again, but I've been there and done that enough to see that the risk is certainly worth taking.

Only question left now is how? I already know so many people, and yet, it's as if I've gone down the same shopping aisle again and again and again. Not only that, but I'm going through DIFFERENT aisles as well, but all within the same supermarket, and still not finding anything greater than bronze and silver. I would like GOLD and PLATINUM, oh the joys of such a find. Though I may not be really good at it, I certainly picture and aim myself to be a romantic kinda guy, since i'm one of the few males left in the world who still believe in chivalry. Wherever did those long poems of love and longing go? and WHY oh WHY are they considered so weird nowadays when a guy so sweetly sends a girl of his dreams something of his own creation, and why should he be mocked for it? GOOD ON YOU! You are the heroes and inspirations in today's society! If your feelings are true, and intentions clear, then fear not how many girls or boys reject you, for such courage and bravery wouldn't ever go unrewarded. I praise your efforts, and wish you the best of luck, as I too struggle to bring back the concept of gentlemanship (or whatever the word is) to protect what little innocence there is left in courtship and bonding.

Hmmm....maybe the hunger is making me emotional right now...should consider going to bed and forgetting bout all this silly business. Speaking of business, I had the great pleasure of going to an awesome swing club tonight and watch all these other awesome swingers do their stuff, some of which I will be adding to my own repetoire, hehe. Though I must say, we are much too inadequate, and seriously require more lessons and free time to experiment. What a pity though....next year will require so much effort to maintain our current level of skill and experience. HOPE, FAITH and LOYALTY ! and the power of God shall help you carry out the rest of your days! May His omni-presence in the hyper-now and meta-moment bask us with His burning beams of glory and love, and lead us away from temptation and towards salvation. Hallowed is God! Hallowed are the Children of God!

Ahhh....SO tired, got a free day tomorrow, whoo! Then med ball, muahahaha, hope this year's haul proves as rich as last years, hehehe. So goodnight everybody! Hope nothing bad happens to you for another 30 days! And I leave you with this.

"It is important to do what you don't know how to do. It is important to see your skills as keeping you from learning what is deepest and most mysterious. If you know how to focus, unfocus. If your tendency is to make sense out of chaos, start chaos." - Carlos Castaneda