Me, myself and I

So, it seems that I'm receiving pressure from good friends of mine to blog a bit more often so that my boomshine and take-away box collection doesn't look too redundant, so I guess I'll share this.

This Tuesday, I found myself disappointed in my powerlessness to find someone whom i can maintain a steady and meaningful relationship with, a feeling which came after the emptiness i felt which actually came after the years of hate and anger that I let go of this year.

For those of you who were there, last friday night was absolutely amazing, and once again, i found myself still retaining some measure of power when it comes to girls, and for that i am grateful. Yet, despite all this "canoodling", I am still situated in a deep dark place where no amount of light seems to be able to penetrate. i have changed my ways of thinking already, trning away from the path that I've taken for so long and felt so comfortable wiht, but i still ca't get any sunshine into my inner world. I am holding on to a candle of hope an dfaith in the winds of vicissitudinous pandemonium, and one day hope to break apart the dark clouds in the sky and clear it all away for clarion day.

That's all well and good, and i truly have hope, faith and beliefe that it will happen, however, what I do seem to be lacking a lot of lately, now more than ever, is patience. though it is true that I/we are still quite young, my academic and spiritual curiosity into serious relationships is seemingly reaching its peak, making me agitative, fidgety and...antsy in the presence of possible victims/girls. I am still able to fight off such primal instincts, since I've already been through all those fleeting experiences of getting with a girl at a party or what not. What I can't fight off now is the hope that the next girl i meet and be interested in will be the one who i can have a serious relationship with, as I feel an emptiness in that area which doesn't seem to be satisfiable with pickups. Of course, for those "fleeting experiences" to have existed in the first place, there must have been some sort of connection there to begin with, otherwise nothing would've happened, so I guess I should probably do some following through on those, despite my belief that those types aren't usually the sort that would work out very well.

A good friend of mine described to me earlier this week that, being in a similar situation, what we are looking for is someone who is so utterly irresistible that we would have absolutely NO choiec of not doing anything, that we would, by the power of super attraction, be actively fored to do our very best in order to make something happen. This is probably as close to the truth as she could get me to, as I found this really striking to the core of my being, seeing as it's been a while since I felt that feeling. In retrospect, it was probably that feeling and the events associated with it thereafter that made me into the person I am today, and should, in all respects, have no negative feelings towards it despite all the trouble it's caused me.

Suffice to say, it's not as if I've had really meaningless and pointless relationships so far. The first few after the "incident" were only screwed up because of my conflicting feelings at the time (those of you who know me well should know what this means), though they did build up my knowledge and experience of what girls think and do. The most recent few, I have found, broadened my own base of variance among the races, which I have also learn a lot from, which i'm again grateful for. So...after all this, is it not time for me to experience what it's really like to "look longingly in each other's eyes and have a million conversations without a single spoken word"? Cos, really, that kinda stuff sounds pretty sweet, and much more meaningful and touching than any pick up could ever feel, and probably more memorable too, hehe. Gosh golly gee, what I would do to find that girl.

Haha, that's right, my friend said that "You'll find the perfect girl someday", to which i said "I do not want the perfect girl; I want the girl for whom she and I would be perfect for each other.", something I also truly believe in, for such things must obviously be mutual otherwise it'd be meaningless. Then again, the agony of patience and hope one must go through in order to find that girl must be horrible enough to put them right off the idea of such a thing as "perfect girl", whereupon they'd just go back to the ideology of "Why look for Mrs Right, when there are so many Mrs Wrongs?", hahaha. Still, I guess one must have the strength of mind and character in order to gain the bigger prize.

So yeah.......that's about it for me! Should go back to my room and have some dinner, i'm freakin' starving, and I could sure do with a blast of happy dust.

Night all.

Until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words, -- 'Wait and hope' - Alexandre Dumas (The Count of Monte Cristo)